No worries.
This won't be a plea for "fathers should do more of this" or "mothers less of that." I believe everyone is perfectly capable of deciding for themselves which task suits whom.
What I do hope, however, is that after reading this piece, you'll be more aware of how things are divided at home. Not just in terms of tasks, but also in terms of the mental workload.
Because it seems like a simple question: "who arranges the childcare?"
But there's often something bigger behind it: the division of roles at home.
Who arranges the childcare?
Kiddie.nl wasn't founded for nothing; the platform was born out of pure frustration. About all the research involved.
The time, energy, and headspace it takes to find good childcare, when it really should be easier.
Fortunately, Kiddie.nl takes a lot off your plate. But even then, there's still thinking work left that only you as parents can do.
Think about questions like:
Which type of care suits us?
What do we find important?
When does it need to be arranged?
These aren't "quick in-between tasks." They require mental effort and conscious choices.
Want to approach this process more smoothly? Our 5 steps to finding childcare without stress help you keep an overview.
The whole of mental labor
Arranging childcare is just one example. The same applies to:
introducing solid foods
sleep (when it's not going well)
parenting choices
administration
organizing holidays
groceries
etc.
What do all these topics have in common? They cost time, attention, and mental space.
And that's precisely where imbalance often arises between partners.
The problem
The division of roles at home is skewed for many parents. Especially when it comes to the mental load.
The weight often falls on mothers. Even when they work more paid hours per week.
This difference doesn't correct itself.
And that has an impact.
Think: overload, stress, burnout symptoms, absence from work.
How do you recognize this at home?
Not by who does what, but by what's happening in people's heads.
And that's precisely what's difficult to see.
Yet there are signals, for example:
a head that's always "on"
the feeling that you have to think of everything
lots of discussion or coordination about tasks between you. And then not just about what needs to happen, but also about who and especially hów.
These are often signs that the division is skewed and that there's room for improvement.
Who is the 'manager' of the family?
In many families, there's one person who keeps the overview.
This "manager" thinks ahead, divides tasks, and adjusts when things go wrong.
As long as that role lies with one person, the division remains unbalanced.
Because the other is mainly carrying out tasks.
And that takes much less mental effort.
Why this is especially important in the early years of parenthood
The first years of parenthood are wonderful. But also intense.
Everything is new. Your energy and time are limited. And meanwhile, your child is developing at lightning speed.
That's precisely why it's important to pause and reflect on this.
Not just to make it "fair," but mainly because small irritations quickly become big ones. And distract from what really matters: peace and space.
To be able to enjoy. To be present. To make memories together.
Because for a head full of to-do's, that's a lot harder to do.
Does returning to work after your leave feel different than expected? This article about returning to work after maternity leave explains why that transition can be so difficult.
3 steps to gain insight and control over your division of roles at home
1 - Feel it
Does it feel equal?
Does everything run smoothly at home? Is there little fuss? Are you both relaxed?
Great! Keep it that way.
But is there irritation? Lots of coordination needed?
Does one of you more often feel "on" with a very full head?
Then there's often imbalance.
2 – Check it
A familiar dynamic:
men think: I already do more than my father used to do.
women think: I still do more than you.
And frustratingly: both are often true (Sound familiar? In "Daar ben jij nu eenmaal beter in" by Floor Bakhuys Roozeboom, this is explained very well).
Want to make it truly objective?
Do the Household Battle (Huishoudbattle).
It shows how things stand with the division of tasks and the mental load.
3 – Practice it
Practice with solo care.
Do you both carry out the care for your child independently (and separately from each other)? And are you both comfortable with that? Or is the other still needed for that?
To help you make this visible, I've made a list of all 75 daily care tasks for babies and/or toddlers. You can download it here. This way, you both know what's happening at home on a daily basis.
What happens at home matters.
All the individual tasks together make your house a home.
Some tasks take time. Others take time and mental space.
But, if this whole isn't well divided, it can cause a lot of trouble.
Take good care of each other in this. Because an equal division of roles is perhaps the most loving thing you can do for each other.
This article was written by Marinda van Thuisteamtrainer, pedagogue & specialist in division of roles.