Going back to work after maternity leave can feel like a straightforward next step. You pick up where you left off and everything falls back into place. But when that moment actually arrives, many women find it anything but straightforward.
Work feels different. You feel different. Things that used to come effortlessly now take more energy. Your head is fuller, and you're constantly switching between work and caregiving. Many mothers find they tire more quickly, struggle to focus, and find it harder to keep on top of everything. Something feels off — even if you can't quite put your finger on why.
And that's completely understandable. There's a good explanation for it.
The identity shift nobody tells you about
Before you get pregnant, you rarely stop to think about what happens to you when you become a mother. The focus goes to your baby's development and preparing for their arrival. After the birth, attention shifts to naps, feeds, and how your baby is growing.
But do you also pause to consider how you are growing? Usually not — even though that process is just as profound. Alongside being a woman, you become a mother. And that transition often brings multiple changes at once. Your hormones change, your brain changes, your identity shifts. A great deal changes emotionally and mentally at the same time. This transition has a name: matrescence.
You might recognise some of this:
- feeling like you no longer recognise yourself, or that you've lost your old sense of self.
- experiencing emotions like joy and anxiety alternating at a dizzying pace.
- feeling both deeply connected and completely alone at the same time.
- or asking yourself: who am I now, beyond being a mother?
While many of these experiences are widely shared, everyone goes through matrescence in their own way. The intensity varies, as does the moment it becomes noticeable. For some, it begins right after birth. For others, it surfaces later — when returning to work, or when the children are a little older. It can also differ from one pregnancy to the next. Because yes: you go through this transition with every pregnancy, and it can feel different each time.
Why does my partner seem less affected by this?
Partners also go through a transition when they become a parent — known as patrescence. Yet fathers often seem less burdened by the combination of work and caregiving.
That difference is partly down to how work and care end up being divided in practice. While 50% of couples would like to share these responsibilities equally, only 9% actually manage to do so. On average, mothers spend 9.5 hours more per week on caregiving tasks.
That doesn't mean fathers are less involved — but it does mean the division often plays out differently than originally planned.
But it's not just about who does what. It's also about who is responsible.
Who thinks ahead, plans, and keeps track of whether everything is running as it should. That responsibility — also known as the mental load — takes a great deal of energy, is never truly finished, and in practice still tends to fall on women.
The role of society
This unequal division often develops without you even noticing. It's rooted in a tangle of stereotypes, social norms, and ingrained role patterns — and these shape the way we've organised work and care in our society.
Think of unequal parental leave arrangements for men and women, which typically mean fathers are at home for less time and spend fewer of those early weeks with their baby. Or the fact that women still earn less on average than men, making it seem financially logical for the woman to reduce her working hours.
Men who do want to take on more of the caregiving often encounter a lack of understanding — from those around them or from their employer.
What can help during this phase?
Recognise that you're in a period of transition
What you're experiencing isn't strange. A lot is changing at once — in your life and within yourself. It helps to consciously acknowledge this and give it space, rather than expecting everything to feel the same as it did before.
Talk about how caregiving is divided
If the division isn't equal and you'd both like it to be, revisit the conversation. Look beyond the visible tasks like cooking or dropping the kids off, and consider everything that goes into them: the planning, the remembering, the organising.
Want to get a clearer picture of how things are currently divided? The Volkskrant's online 'Huishoudbattle' tool offers a useful starting point. It's quick to fill in and can be a great way to open up the conversation.
Find out what you're entitled to
Many parents aren't sure exactly what's available to them when it comes to leave, flexible working, or adjusting their hours. Getting clarity on this often reveals more options than you'd expect. Rather than jumping straight back in full-time, it can help to build up your hours gradually — giving yourself time to settle into the new rhythm at a more manageable pace.
Make space for moments where nothing is expected of you
Not just when time happens to be left over, but deliberately — built into your week, or ideally your day. A few minutes of sitting quietly without anything to do. No phone. A cup of tea or coffee. Looking out the window. A short walk. Or even just a few extra minutes to yourself in the bathroom.
It's precisely those small moments that help you avoid being switched 'on' all the time.
About the author
Sjanne is a career coach and stress and burnout coach at De Loopbaanruimte. She supports mothers who feel stuck in their work or in finding balance between their career and motherhood.