What exactly is separation anxiety and why does it appear when starting childcare?
Separation anxiety is a normal developmental phase in which your baby realizes that you and he are two separate people. This realization brings with it the understanding that you can leave, but not yet that you will also come back. When starting childcare, this becomes especially visible: new faces, unfamiliar sounds, and a different daily routine amplify feelings of uncertainty. Your child cries at goodbye, seeks contact with you, and may be reserved toward the childcare staff. This behavior stems from healthy attachment, not from fear of the childcare itself. It means your child has formed a strong bond with you and has experienced that bond as a secure base.
How long does separation anxiety last in babies?
The duration of separation anxiety varies per child. Most babies experience the most intense phase between eight and eighteen months, but it can appear at any age when starting childcare. Some children adjust to the new situation within two to three weeks, while others need two to three months. Factors that play a role include your child's temperament, how often they attend childcare, the presence of familiar faces, and how consistent you are in your goodbye routine. A half-day per week provides less structure than two fixed mornings, as children with more days adjust faster and experience less stress. It helps to have realistic expectations: there is no fixed date by which it must be over. However, you will usually see after several weeks that the goodbye becomes shorter and your child finds comfort with the staff more quickly.
What can you do yourself to make the transition smoother?
Your attitude largely determines how your child experiences the goodbye. If you come across as hesitant or guilty, your child picks up on that. This doesn't mean you should suppress your feelings, but rather that you find a balance between acknowledging them and moving forward. A short, loving goodbye works better than postponing or going back and forth. Tell your child that you will return, even if they don't literally understand yet. The tone and repetition provide reassurance. Also make sure your child brings a familiar object, such as a cuddly toy or blanket, to ease the transition between home and childcare.
Short goodbye rituals that work
A fixed ritual gives your child predictability. This can be a special phrase, a kiss in the same spot, or a song you sing together. Keep the ritual short: longer than two to three minutes actually makes the separation harder. Don't slip away quietly; this reinforces the feeling that disappearing is something to be afraid of. Say goodbye in a neutral, friendly tone and then leave. Most children calm down within minutes after the parent is gone. Ask the staff afterward how it went, so you get a realistic picture of the recovery time after your departure.
How a clear pedagogical policy supports the relationship with your child
At a daycare center (kinderdagverblijf/KDV) with a clear pedagogical policy, the staff know how to welcome new children. There is a fixed approach for the settling-in period, fixed caregivers work in the group, and attention is paid to making your child feel emotionally safe. You see this policy reflected in how the group is set up, what materials are available, and how the day is structured. A predictable daily routine helps your child orient themselves and gain confidence in the new environment. Ask during a tour how the settling-in period is shaped and how communication with you as a parent takes place. This period is usually built up gradually, so keep this in mind regarding work. In the beginning, you won't be able to work full-time. Read more about emotional development in young children for extra tools to recognize signals.
When is separation anxiety in a baby at childcare cause for concern?
Separation anxiety is part of development, but there are situations where extra attention is needed. If your child still shows extreme stress after six to eight weeks, doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and cannot be comforted by the staff, it's good to talk with the daycare center. Also, if your child regresses in behavior they had already outgrown, such as thumb-sucking or waking at night, this can be a sign that the transition is too difficult. Sometimes the group or the type of childcare doesn't match what your child needs. A smaller group, a different caregiver, or a different form of childcare can then offer a solution. Trust your observation as a parent: you know your child best and notice whether the behavior stays within expected lines.
How do you build trust with the staff at the daycare center?
Open communication with the childcare staff makes the difference. Share information about what your child experiences at home, how they sleep, and what calms them. Ask in return how the day went, not only whether they cried, but also whether they played, ate, and sought contact with other children. This gives you a more complete picture than just the moment of goodbye. Trust grows when you see that the staff know your child and respond to their needs. Take time to build this relationship; it is a partnership in which you complement each other. Our steps for assessing safety at childcare help you determine whether the location matches what you're looking for.
Getting started
Separation anxiety is a phase, not a failure of you or your child. With a short goodbye ritual, realistic expectations, and good communication with the daycare center, you lay the foundation for a smooth transition. Looking for childcare where the settling-in period and pedagogical policy receive explicit attention? On Kiddie.nl you compare daycare centers based on Municipal Health Service (GGD) inspection reports and practical characteristics, so you can choose with confidence.