No worries.
This isn't going to be a lecture about "dads need to do more of this" or "moms need to do less of that." I believe everyone is perfectly capable of figuring out which responsibilities suit them best.
What I do hope is that after reading this, you'll have a clearer picture of how things are divided at home. Not just in terms of tasks, but in terms of mental load.
Because it seems like a simple question: "who handles the childcare?"
But there's often something bigger behind it: the division of roles at home.
Who handles the childcare?
Kiddie.nl wasn't founded without reason — the platform grew out of sheer frustration. With all the research involved.
The time, energy, and headspace it takes to find good childcare, when it really should be so much easier.
Fortunately, Kiddie.nl takes a lot off your plate. But even then, there's still thinking to be done that only you as parents can do.
Think of questions like:
Which type of childcare suits us?
What matters most to us?
When does it need to be sorted?
These aren't "quick five-minute tasks." They require real mental effort and conscious decision-making.
The full weight of mental load
Arranging childcare is just one example. The same applies to:
introducing solid foods
sleep (when things aren't going smoothly)
parenting decisions
admin
planning holidays
grocery shopping
and so on.
What do all these things have in common? They all cost time, attention, and mental energy.
And that's exactly where imbalance between partners tends to creep in.
The problem
The division of roles at home is unequal for many parents. Especially when it comes to mental load.
The burden often falls on mothers. Even when they work more paid hours per week.
This imbalance doesn't correct itself.
And it has real consequences.
Think: overload, stress, burnout symptoms, and dropping out of work altogether.
How do you recognize this at home?
Not by looking at who does what, but by what's happening in people's heads.
And that's exactly what makes it so hard to see.
Still, there are signs, for example:
a mind that's always "on"
the feeling that you have to keep track of everything
a lot of friction or back-and-forth about tasks — and not just about what needs to happen, but also about who does it and especially how.
These are often signs that the balance is off — and that there's real room for improvement.
Who's the family "manager"?
In many families, one person holds all the oversight.
This "manager" thinks ahead, delegates tasks, and steps in when things go wrong.
As long as that role sits with just one person, the imbalance remains.
Because the other partner is mostly just executing tasks.
And that takes far less mental energy.
Why this matters so much in the early years of parenthood
The early years of parenthood are wonderful. But also intense.
Everything is new. Your energy and time are limited. And meanwhile, your child is developing at a breathtaking pace.
That's exactly why it's worth pausing to reflect on this.
Not just to make things "fair," but above all because small frustrations can quickly grow into big ones. And they distract from what really matters: calm and space.
To enjoy the moment. To be present. To make memories together.
Because a head full of to-do lists makes all of that a lot harder.
3 steps to gain insight and control over your division of roles at home
1 – Feel it
Does it feel balanced?
Does home run smoothly? Is there little friction? Are you both relaxed?
Great! Keep it that way.
But is there irritation? A lot of coordination needed?
Does one of you often feel like their brain is constantly "on" and overloaded?
Then there's likely an imbalance.
2 – Check it
A familiar dynamic:
men think: I already do more than my dad ever did.
women think: I still do more than you.
And frustratingly enough: both are often true. (Sound familiar? This is explained really well in "Daar ben jij nu eenmaal beter in" by Floor Bakhuys Roozeboom.)
Want to make it truly objective?
Try the Huishoudbattle.
It shows you exactly how tasks and mental load are divided between you.
3 – Practice it
Practice solo care.
Do you both — independently of each other — take care of your child? And are you both comfortable doing that? Or does the other person still need to be around?
To help you make this visible, I've put together a list of all 75 daily care tasks for babies and/or toddlers. You can download it here. That way, you both know what's happening at home on a daily basis.
What happens at home matters.
All the individual tasks together are what turn a house into a home.
Some tasks cost time. Others cost time and mental energy.
But if the whole picture isn't well balanced, it can cause a lot of friction.
Take good care of each other. Because an equal division of roles may just be the most loving thing you can do for one another.
This article was written by Marinda from Thuisteamtrainer.